If Harry Had Common Sense
by HogwartsApprentice
Summary: How much easier would it have been for Harry if he had common sense? Series of oneshots. Crack fic
1. The Dangers of Strangers in Graveyards

**A/N This fic was written in collaboration with Hermione'sDaughter.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own any of the original characters or plotlines from the Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling.**

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 _Oh yeah, that's right. I can use this now. I'm not in Hogwarts anymore. Technology actually works._

Harry whipped out his Samsung Galaxy. The Dursleys had given it to him when they realised Dudley didn't want it. Until now, he had hated it. It was useless. It was second hand from Dudley because he had thrown it in a fit of rage when the wifi was too slow and now it had a cracked screen. Dudley had gotten an iPhone to replace it, and it was _so_ much better.

Now, it might just save his life.

" _Kids Helpline, how may we help you?"_ a friendly female voice said at the other end of the line.

"I'm in a bit of trouble here. This old guy has me pinned up against his father's grave, and he just said 'I can touch you now' and put his finger on my face. Is it just me, or is he being a bit of a paedophile? I'm _petrified!_ " Harry motioned for Voldemort to wait a second while he talked. The Dark Lord sulked.

"Har-"

"Wait a second, will you? Can't you see I'm talking here?" Harry hissed at Voldemort. He turned his attention back to the phone. "See, he's just acting too _bald_ for my liking. I think he may be dangerous."

" _Is this a prank call?"_

"No, I'm _dead Sirius_. I think I'm in _Granger_ here. Am I being _Muggled_?"

" _Okay, is he right there? Don't provoke him, no matter what._ "

"To be _Frank_ , that's _riddikulus._ He _nose_ nothing. He couldn't tell if I was provoking him or not. He's just in a really _Crabbey Moody._ "

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 **A/N I'm sorry. The puns are terrible. The idea that sparked this fic was the result of Hermione'sDaughter's and my boredom in English. Hopefully that explains some of the madness.**

 **Hermione'sDaughter and I were wondering if you guys liked this fic, and maybe wanted us to make it a mini series of the same sorta stuff (maybe not all puns through)? If so, please tell us so we know if it's a good idea or not :)**


	2. Chess

**A/N This is set in the first book when Harry, Ron and Hermione are facing McGonagall's giant chess set. Like the last chapter, it was written in collaboration with Hermione'sDaughter. Hope you enjoy :)**

 **Disclaimer:** **I don't own any of the original characters or plotlines from the Harry Potter series by J K Rowling.**

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" _We're nearly there," he muttered suddenly. "Let me think – let me think…"_

 _The white queen turned her blank face towards him._

" _Yes…" said Ron softly, "it's the only way… I've got to be taken."_

" _NO!" Harry and Hermione shouted._

" _That's chess!" snapped Ron. "You've got to make some sacrifices! I'll make my move and she'll take me – that leaves you free to checkmate the king, Harry!"_

" _But -"_

" _Do you want to stop Snape or not?"_

"Of course I do, Ron! Just let me talk before you go get yourself killed!" Harry waited for Ron to turn and face him. "Thank you. Now, what I wanted to say -"

"You're not sacrificing yourself, Harry."

"No, I've got something better. Look, Fred and George taught me this spell a few weeks ago. It's a slightly different version to the spell people use to cheat on their exam papers."

"Oh, I think I know where you're going with this Harry," Hermione, as ever, knew what spell he was talking about. "But I never learnt it myself! I consider it quite unethical. The adaption used on quills is the very reason the school introduced the anti-cheating ones used today."

"Erm… would someone mind telling me _what_ spell you two are going on about?" Despite being the member of the Golden Trio most likely to want to use a spell like this, Ron was unable to fathom what Harry and Hermione were talking about.

Harry grinned. "Well, Fred and George probably didn't want you knowing this because it would make you look way better than them, but they taught me this spell in case I ever wanted to beat you in chess. Apparently there are different strengths to the spell, all the way from 'sneaky defeat' to 'civil war'. I only know the one, though. Enough talking, let me just show you." He pointed his wand at the remaining white pieces. " _Eludo!"_

The white chess pieces began to turn around slowly. The white queen turned to the white king. The few remaining white pawns turned to each other. The white bishop and white castle turned to each other.

They charged. Within minutes, all that remained of the opposite side was a layer of dust covering the ground, and the King's crown lying at Harry's feet.

"That, Harry, was _bloody brilliant_."

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 **Eludo: A Latin term for 'cheat'.**

 **A/N My little sister gave me the idea for this fic. She knew I wrote fanfic occasionally, and wanted me to write about this.**

 **If you guys like reading this sort of fic, tell us, and Hermione'sDaughter and I will happily oblige and write some more :)**


	3. Platform Nine and Three-Quarters

**A/N: Thank you all for (hopefully) reading! We – unfortunately – do not own any of the characters or setting. Nor the copy-righted phone brand, or website. However, we own most of the plot line and the general idea. Happy reading!**

Trying to ignore the odd looks they were receiving from the surrounding Muggles at Kings Cross Station, Harry and Ron casually leant against the barrier that should lead to Platform Nine and Three Quarters. It soon became apparent, however, that it was not going to allow them to the hidden station, so Harry nudged Ron and gestured for them to move away with the thinning crowd that had surrounded them. He led his red-headed friend to the next station, where they might attract less attention amongst people who hadn't seen their not-so-glorious crash into the barrier.

"Harry, your nose is bleeding."

The blood dripping from his nose and onto his shirt had been bugging him for some time. From past experience, he quite believed in the possibility of it being broken. _Thank you, Ron, for pointing out the painfully obvious._ Instead of saying that, however, he nodded mutely in recognition of the fact. He pulled out his phone from inside of his robes and thanked Merlin that Mr Weasley had insisted that everyone else get one in order to _'blend in with the rest of the Muggles. Heaven knows how many Muggles of your age use their technology.'_ Harry translated this to: ' _Molly made me throw out my last collection of interesting Muggle items. If they sound like they'll be useful, she might let everyone get one.'_ Because of the easiness to get them over EBay, Mrs Weasley complied and even asked for one herself, and they shared everyone's numbers with Harry from a small notebook, which was filled in only after everyone figured out how to turn the phones on.

Luckily the children, and even Molly, were faster at adapting to technology than Arthur. Everyone had now made a habit of carrying their phones everywhere, even to Hogwarts, where despite them not working, Fred and George had downloaded some games which they were certain would still work surrounded by magic.

Harry turned his phone on, frustrated at the slow start up Samsung Galaxy's had. After watching the loading screen for nearly a minute, the brick that was marketed as a phone finally turned on. As he scrolled through his contact list he internally debated who to call.

Mr Weasley was a bad idea. Chances are his phone battery was flat, and even if it was on, he hadn't exactly grasped how to use the device yet.

Percy would have his phone in his trunk. Not going to hear it.

Fred and George would think he was joking and not take him seriously.

He didn't want to add any stress to Ginny's first trip on the Hogwarts Express. So she was also out of the question.

And that left Mrs Weasley. Praying she had her phone turned on, Harry swiped her contact and turned the phone to speaker so Ron could hear as well.

 _"Hello?"_

"Mrs Weasley… er… we can't get onto the platform. Is there anything you can do?"

 _"Oh! Why ever not? But of course, dear. I'll see what I can do. Just hold tight, okay? And are you all right? You sound a bit off."_

"I think I might have broken my nose when we bashed into the barrier."

 _"I'll fix that up for you before you leave, then. Professor Dumbledore did that exact thing when he was in his third year, I hear, although he was at least an hour late. Now I must go and see what I can do about getting you onto the platform. I'll see you in a few minutes, I expect."_

"Okay Mrs Weasley. See you soon." He hung up his phone and glanced at Ron. "I must say, I _did_ think his nose looked wonky."

This comment drew a laugh from Ron. "Yeah, I remember you saying something about that last year."

At that moment, an extremely frazzled looking Mrs Weasley emerged from the now open barrier. "Come on boys, we don't have very long. We have to get you on the train. _Episkey!_ " The last word was spoken with her wand pointing in Harry's face.

Harry blinked a few times as his nose went from feeling from very hot to very cold in a matter of seconds. Then it was over, and his nose was once again at its normal angle. "Thanks so much, Mrs Weasley! You're amazing!"

The mother in question blushed a bit and mumbled something about doing it all the time.  
"C'mon Ron, we need to go. Bye Mrs Weasley! Thanks again!"


	4. Voldemort's Epiphany

..."I can touch you now."

Harry screwed his eyes closed tightly as he felt pain like he had never before... knives were surely digging into his entire body, it was so intense. Blades slashing through his flesh, blood dripping down his robes, watering the ground at the base of the grave -

And the pain was gone. Voldemort had stepped away from the grave stone, and Harry, his eyes still closed, could hear his high, cruel laughter ringing through the cemetery.

"See, my faithful followers. See how pathetic the Boy Who Lived truly is... now that I have taken away the asset he most relies upon."

Harry's protesting eyes flew open at this - what had Voldemort taken from him? What had he missed while in excruciating pain?

The answer soon became obvious. As he blinked away tears of pain still lingering in his eyes, he saw what Voldemort had done.

Or rather, didn't.

Everything had become a blur, like a child's painting that had been trampled on while still drying. He squinted in an attempt to see better, but the engulfing darkness of the night wasn't helping. Still, he could make out the tall figure of the Dark Lord, and a wide blur of black across the horizon that was probably the Death Eaters surrounding him.

"See, my friends, how helpless he is now. I would duel him, but I think there might be a more... _entertaining_ way to rid this world of him... welcome, all, to the debut of a new era of Death Eaters! I will utilise a skill I have gained through these long, lonely years of wondering," Voldemort said, and Harry shivered from the undertone of an evil smile he could hear in his voice.

"COPS AND ROBBERS, MY DEAR FRIENDS. AND YOU," he screeched, pointing at Harry. "YOU ARE THE ONLY ROBBER!" Voldemort took a calming breath and went on to say "Now, my fellow law enforcers, we shall give this thief a 60 second head start, I think, to make it fair."

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Welcome! Y'all must be Gryffindors for daring to read this. If not, hopefully you leave with your sanity intact. My dear friend HogwartsApprentice sent me a draft of this a week or two ago, channeling my motto, "procrastination is the best inspiration" (when I fail my exams this week, I'm blaming it on her).

Nevertheless, we hope you enjoyed this, with the knowledge that we unfortunately don't own these characters!

Love, Hermione'sDaughter xx


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